I have really been neglecting the whole blogging thing. I have made it a goal to start writing more. I actually really enjoy writing and I have been wanting to turn my blog into a photobook at the end of every year. I just to write things down to journal my life, my feelings, and my true thoughts. So I this may be lame for many of you so you can go to the next blog (as it will be really long), but I want to remember some of the things I am thinking and feeling right now in my life even if they are pointless and dumb...
First, I miss my husband terribly right now. He got a new job with fidelity investments and he is preparing to take his series 7 and 63 security exams (don't ask me what they are, I just know he needs them, they have a lot of math stuff, and they are difficult exams to pass). He works all day and comes home and studies all night. I mean I see him, but I miss the quality time that we use to have. It will only be one more month till he takes it and we have our life back. It has also made me more grateful for him and our marriage. He has been working so hard so I don't have to and so that I can stay home with our baby (read below how I am feeling about this...). It also makes me grateful that we haven't been that close because we can't ONLY due to time and this stupid test. My heart breaks for those people who are in marriages where they don't communicate, laugh, share everything, laugh, and just love being together, and did I say LAUGH...I just have found a new appreciation this past month for him, his hard work, and also the marriage and friendship that we have.
Second, TO WORK OR NOT TO WORK...that is the question. I am so torn right now. I want to stay home with my little girl and will. However, I am debating whether or not I should work part time if I can find somewhere flexible. On one hand I have worked so hard to get into and through grad school I feel like it would be such a waste if I didn't. I also think it would be good to have something that I do for me instead of just being a mommy (soon) and wife. However, being a mommy and wife is demanding and exhausting (from what I hear) and so I am wondering if I will just feel overworked and ornery about going to work, which would defeat the whole point in me working. I am really so torn about this so if you have any insight I would love some!
Finally, I have been in a weird spot in my life with friends. I don't really talk to my single friends that much anymore or my friends that are just married. Many of my single friends its just hard when we are in such different spots in our life (I still love them its just hard to be as close when we are experiencing such different things, first marriage now all this baby business). Now, when it comes to my some of my married friends I am have extreme guilt. I have so many friends who are "trying" to get pregnant or have gotten pregnant and have miscarried. I have such guilt for getting pregnant so easy and I mean easy. I just feel like I don't want to make them feel bad and that they are hurt that I am experiencing something that they so badly want (most who have wanted to have a baby before I even thought about getting married). I just wish I could confront some of these feelings head on, but it really had been difficult on me.
However, on this subject I have some of the most amazing friends. Some I have known most of my life, some I have only known a short time. All who love and support me no matter what. I have friends who aren't in the same phase of life as I am right now. However, they give their never ending support and love. So if that is you (which I know some of them read this) thank you so much. I truly love you and am so grateful for your friendship. I hope you feel supported and loved by me back.
Holy cow....this was long and lame for many of you. I honestly can't sleep at night because I am thinking about all these things (getting up to pee 4 times a night and not being able to get comfortable enough to sleep could also be contributing). However, if you have any advice or insight I would love love love to hear it!!!
